dragonsdung

Cheap dry-cleaning

2012-01-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

Simply donate all your dry-clean only clothes to charity, then pop to the shop a few days later by which time they will have dry cleaned them enabling you to buy them back for a few pounds.

Story roll

2012-01-15T08:36:00.000-08:00

Toilet roll with a book printed on it. You never need to worry about forgetting your book next time you go for a sit-down.

As an added bonus you'll learn to read faster as the book is printed on a page per sheet basis, or you'll learn to be more conservative with your paper usage.

Own goals

2011-02-28T14:33:00.000-08:00

In Football (Soccer to you guys over the pond) many a player over the years has taken great pleasure in celebrating their goal scoring, they hug and kiss their fellow team mates, they dance, pulling their shirts over their heads then slide on their knees to adoring fans round the edge of the pitch, arms outstretched.

I am proposing a slight rule-change, from now on if you score an own-goal you should be made to act in exactly the same way, as if you'd scored it for your own team, adding to the excruciating humiliation. And if you fail to do so you must forfeit the whole game.

Crash music

2010-11-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

A must have for every motorist, a CD of sounds of screeching tyres and crash noises so that if you have a car crash you're prepared for it and are not startled by the noises. Additional bonus track of car horns to keep you on your toes.

Home operations

2010-11-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

Lots of women elect to have babies at home these days. So this new nhs facility will allow almost any other medical procedure to be carried out at home - from a simple hysterectomy to more complex multiple organ transplants.

Shoelace dispenser

2010-10-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

If like me you go through shoelaces like they're going out of fashion then this could be just what you need. Behind every dispenser is a large roll of shoelace that can be cut with the built-in cutter to the required length and simply inserted in you shoes.

You never need worry again where your next pair of laces is coming from!

KBay

2010-10-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

Just like Ebay except you can shop for a gun-for-hire to do your dirty work and clear up your mess. Simple. Don't forget to check feedback.

Finger Perfume

2010-10-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

Just in case you go to bed with an itchy bottom. Designer brands available. Also in this range is a perfume to make you finger smell just like you've had an itchy bottom - why people want this remains a mystery but it's our best seller!

Urine and Shake

2010-09-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

This is a small packet of urine that you can shake over your peanuts for that authentic pub taste. The packets are yellow so as not to be confused with the blue packets containing salt.

Voting coin

2010-05-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

This coin will eliminate the need to waste hours listening party political broadcasts. The coin has the two favourite parties stamped into each side - simply toss it and vote the outcome. Job Done.

Insulin Spray

2010-05-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

This is the latest cleaning product from the Dragon's Dung experimental cleaning division. Due to its unique properties, insulin has been proven over the years to break down sugar. This can be put to use in the household being ideal for cleaning sugar based stains and spillages.

Red Letter Days with a difference

2010-04-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

Surprise you loved one with a "Red Letter Day" with a difference. He or she can experience the thrill of robbing a bank or holding up an off-license, in the complete safety of our 'training' cities.

Experiences on offer are:

Busted drug deal
Armed robbery (off-license)
Armed robbery (bank)
Drive-by
Ram raid
Cat burglary
Gang warfair

The icing on the cake will come with your "red letter day" time, which you will serve in our fully interactive simulated jail for between 1 and 14 nights - for an additional bonus you can elect to share a cell with a violent homosexual and become his bitch.

Pass-the-parcel assistant

2010-04-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

"Pass the parcel assistant" will take the burden out of organising a fair game of pass the parcel.

Simply input the number of players and the "pass-the-parcel assistant" will stop the music at exactly the right time intervals so everyone get a go at taking a layer off the present.

Note: Not recommended for games with players under 12 years old.

Man's ruler

2010-04-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

You will find many uses for the "man's ruler", It simply has smaller inches, so for example say you were measuring something that is normally 6" the "man's ruler" would read 12". Ingenious. You will never know how you managed without.

Free shopping

2010-03-11T13:54:00.001-08:00

In order to get you're weekly shop done on the cheap simply create a wedding list at John Lewis for all the items you need. Then get invites sent to all your relatives and friends. Imagine the smile on your gran's face when she signs up for the large box of Persil knowing that it'll make your special day that bit more special.

Caution, don't forget to cancel your wedding when you've got all the shopping you need or before the big day itself, whichever comes first.

Caution this scam may only work a handful of times before you're rumbled, especially if you're already married.

De-icing Shoes

2010-03-01T15:16:00.000-08:00

Tired of slipping in the snow and ice, afraid to go outside?

Worry no more with an amazing pair of de-icing shoes. Each shoe comes with a kettle element tailored into the sole. Allowing for worry free walking whatever the weather.

WARNING : Not to be worn on woodern, carpet, damp or flamable floors.

Intelligent copy & paste

2010-03-01T14:49:00.001-08:00

When I'm at work I like to copy other peoples work, not only does this save a lot of time it also saves me having to think and put any effort in. The only problem I've found is that you get "found out" if you simply copy & paste text from someone else's document.

Well I have the perfect solution, it's a copy and paste function in your favourite MSWord processor, that will paste something different every time you paste. For example you can copy the 1st paragraph then paste it many times to make a complete document and each paragraph will be different.

This is especially effective if no-one actually reads your documents.

Downhill treadmill

2010-02-07T03:09:00.001-08:00

This is a new exercise program for the tread mill in the gym. It will simulate falling down a hill of any incline.

Simple set your desired decent then start to fall and the treadmill will keep the ground moving towards you.

Most of us have always wondered what it'd be like to miss a footing and fall down Mount Everest, well now you can, as many times as you want in the comfort of your own home or local gym.

Personal Gritter

2010-02-07T03:05:00.000-08:00

With the recent big freeze this must-have personal attachment will spread salt in front of you everywhere you go. No more icey moments on untreated surfaces.

Order now and get a set of snow chains for your golf trolly free!

Bell Hero

2009-12-15T00:10:00.000-08:00

If you have Guitar Hero for you gaming console then you'll love this....
Bell Hero, the game that will change the way the world interacts with your bell.
New BellFest modes bring lots of new ways to play
Now you can play any combination of bells you want, whenever you want
Being a bell god is more of a team effort than ever
What's new for Bell Hero 5 though is that anyone can play with your bell, so you can have four lead bells if you want or even swap bells mid song. As a result each individual has their own Bell Power meter and it's up to the best players to save others if things go wrong.

To encourage even more co-operation there's also the new Bell Moments bonus, which doles out big rewards if every member of the team can complete a section together. With the BellFest feature adding tons of new game modes as well this is the best value Bell Hero yet.

Key Features
Monster of bell: The biggest Bell Hero yet with new ways to play, new rewards and the biggest line-up of master recordings ever seen.
Jam with my bell: Party Play option lets players join or leave a song whenever they want, or even change bells or difficultly level mid-song.
Bell festival: New game modes including Momentum, which changes the difficultly as you play, and Elimination, where the quickest player is dropped after they make a mess.
Special moments: New "Bell Moments" offer big rewards if everyone can co-operate for a set stretch of bell perfection.
Bell of fame: A record-breaking 85 songs by 83 different artists, including The White Bells, Arctic Bells, Johnny Bell, Tom Bell, The Stone Bells, The Rolling Bells and more.

Mans wee stool

2009-12-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

I noticed the other day whist having a wee that the higher up you are the more sound you make. This led me to invent the Mans wee stool. This simple device is height adjustable and can be used to make some astonishingly loud wees. Your family and friends will be very impressed with the extra manly noise you make when you urinate. This compliments the "Big-splash plop chair" very well.

Viscous training

2009-12-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

Most swimmers are used to the medium of what in which to swim. Well this revolutionary idea will make you a much faster, stronger swimmer. Here at the institute of viscosity we have been making our experimental swimming team practice in liquids more viscous than water, thus enhancing their ability to perform. Think of it as ankle weights for swimmers. (We actually tried these first with limited success).

Liquids such as custard, fairly dilute, and wallpaper paste gave the best results for front crawl, with maple syrup and cup-a-soup being the best for back-crawl. Yes, we don't understand either.

The only limiting factor was the food-stuff actually going off, this is being looked into as we speak, so to speak.

Recycling bag recycling bag

2009-10-31T15:37:00.001-07:00

If like me you get 2-3 charity bags a week that are meant to be filled with your old clothes. Then like me you'll have a land fill of them built up waiting for clothes to age sufficiently to justify being placed in the bag.

Well this is the charity bag to end all charity bags, quite literally, a bag to recycle your charity bags.

....Or you could just throw them in a hedge.

Fart pants

2009-10-31T15:31:00.000-07:00

These pants have a charcoal filter fitted into the seat in order to deodorize the escaping gasses.

Bagless vacuum cleaner

2009-09-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

If you want to speed up lawn mowing you simply don't use a grass-box. Now the same has been applied to the vacuum cleaner. The bagless cleaner simply deposits the "clipping" back on the carpet, these can be raked up later with your carpet rake or simply left to disperse naturally.

Companion TV

2009-06-08T14:51:00.000-07:00

A second TV set that stands along side your existing TV to feature yourself commenting on anything that is currently being broadcast.

Ideal for controversial issues, be it a news item or a football match decision. Your wife will love it and will breath a sigh of relief when you are sitting there next to Alan Sugar providing that much needed additional input.

[The camera that actually films you can be set top mounted or hand held. For an additional fee we can even provide you with your own camera-man].

LCD monitor lighting

2009-05-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

The latest advances in software now mean that you can use your LCD monitor as a desk light. The mood or brightness can be altered using complex algorithms developed by top scientists from CERN and NASA.

For example a light blue is good for your complexion and an amber creates a very warm romantic moment. The current beta version will provide 32768 different light colours, providing enough moods for all situations and temprements.

Hand printer

2009-05-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Detach yourself from the burden of printing so many documents only to never read them or only use the important bits. Now you can have the important bits printed neatly on your hand, this will prove invaluable to those of you who write stuff on their hand anyway, and for others it will represent a huge saving in paper.

With the supplimentary ink and needle kit you can turn this printer into a DIY tattoo machine - no training necessary and no risk of catching AIDS.

Paperless....

2009-05-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

With the advent of the paperless office, I bring you the paperless toilet. This will make a huge difference to your annual personal paper consumption and help to reduce your brown footprint.

Instead of paper, I propose a simple hydro mechanism which will achieve much the same effect.

Cheese on toaster

2009-05-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

Just like a toaster, except it makes cheese on toast.

Edible sandwich mitt

2009-04-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Picture the scene... It's a nice sunny day, you're armed with lovely filled baguettes for your picnic, but as you start to chomp your way through them all of the filling starts to ooze out of the sides and onto your hands, then onto your clothes and you end up in a right mess!!!

The answer to this is simple (and yes I have actually tried this... Well kind of!!!). What you need is a Lettuce Mitt. Two large lettuce leaves (Iceberg works pretty well) stuck together to form an ideal glove with which to hold the messy sandwich with. So then when all the filling starts to ooze, it will fall onto the Lettuce Mitt and then at the end of your sandwich the protective glove can simply be eaten.

An extra large helping of dung goes to Stephen Coley for this fantastic idea.

Boxer-short suspenders

2009-03-31T15:25:00.000-07:00

Now this is my first serious post of an idea that I think will seriously catch on.

If like me you experience boxer short trouble when you pull your jeans up then you simply need to invest in "boxer-short suspenders". Not strictly suspenders, as they work in the reverse sense and hold your boxer shorts down.

The suspenders are attached to the tops of your socks and the bottom of your shorts, this prevents any movement and ensures that comfort is always maintained.

If you want to give me some money then please leave a comment detailing your contribution.

Government sidelines

2009-03-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

Rather than the government owning and managing service industries, e.g. banks, they should branch out into other sectors like the manufacturing industry. They could make all sorts of things, from clothing to confectionery. It would provide meaningful employment for many civil servants, e.g. working in the "Gorden Brown Sauce" factory.

Food of the earth

2009-03-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

It has been recently discovered that human-kind can eat soil. The age old problem of famine has now been solved!

Soil can simply be dug up from your garden and eaten hot or cold.

Look out for my recipe book "Save with soil - Soil dishes on a budget."

Frying or grilling soil produces the best results - as does being drunk.

Beard plan

2009-02-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

If you have a beard or are thinking about it you'll probably shave it off at some point. If this is the case you'll need a beard plan. This is a plan on how you are going to achieve the clean state again.

An example would be:
Shave Number:
1) Goatee with side burns
2) Just goatee
3) Handlebar moustache
4) Hitler moustache
5) Clean

Or maybe:
1) Lemmy from Motorhead
2) Big side burns + moustache
3) Small side burns
4) Clean

The possibilities are endless. At the moment I have a beard (well sort of) and I am eager to see what I look like as that bloke from the Village People, which I may achieve after Lemmy then Geoff from Biker Grove.

Element of Surprise

2009-02-21T11:04:00.000-08:00

These children's treats are like Kinder Surprise, except that inside each chocolate egg is an element. The amounts vary according to each element's atomic mass. Imagine the delight on your childs face when they get Barium to complete the set of alkaline earth metals.

Renumber Starwars

2009-01-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

They should renumber the star wars films so that additional episodes can be inserted non-contiguously.

This will be familiar with programmers from the 80's whereby you would number the lines in your BASIC programs 10, 20, 30 etc. so that should you wish, at some later point in time to add a line between say 10 and 20 you could quite simply call it 15. Then , god forbid, you needed to add a line before that, it really wasn't a problem you could call it line 12. Simple, but then even this method of episode numbering could run into problems if there were more than 9 new episodes between 10 and 20.

A fractional numbering system could be used, this means that there are an infinite number of episodes that can be inserted, for example Star Wars 1.40021 could be the 40021st episode after the 1st one.

An even simpler solution would be to drop the numbering system altogether and just have names. For example "Episode IV A new Hope" could simply be called "A New Hope". Or "Episode IV.324 - Yoda's Mistress" would simply be called "Yoda's Mistress"

My first Betfair

2009-01-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

This will enable the young to get invested at an early age. You can have your family allowance and "child trust fund" paid directly into their very own Betfair account.

They can then be the envy of the playground with their knowledge of horse racing and accumulators.

Complement "My first home brew" very nicely.

Not recommended for children under 3 as they may not understand hedging and arbing.

DIY Dentist magazine

2009-01-23T00:14:00.000-08:00

This is a monthly magazine dedicated to DIY dentistry. Each issue will teach you the basics of this ancient skill, starting with fillings and bridges.

On the cover of each issue there is part of your full dentistry kit.

The first issue is 2.99 and comes with a chair as pictured below.

Business-Class office chairs

2009-01-08T14:58:00.000-08:00

Now that nodding off in meetings is no longer a taboo. Your office environment will benefit from Business class office chairs. Modelled on the popular aircraft seating, these chairs fully recline so that a sleep or power nap can be enjoyed during those boring meetings. Subject to line-manager approval, nodding off at your desk will be a welcome distraction from all those computer screens.

Food transport

2008-12-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

I have solved the problem of how to transport food round the world.

Simply make all food into soup and pipe it to the intended destination. At the destination the diner can either leave it as soup or, using a centrifuge, remove the solid matter and eat with a knife and fork.

The existing water pipe network could be extended to transport the soup and a special adaptor can be fitted to most washing machines to make them double up as a centrifuge. Each house could have a soup tap next to the existing hot and cold and the local council could decide what everyone eats.

Online present finder

2008-12-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

If like me you always want to know what you are getting for Christmas then this could be the answer. Without unwrapping them (obviously), simply measure each of your presents then accurately weigh them. The information for each one is then entered into the online present finder web page and a list of possible matching presents will be returned.

You can then prepare your reaction in advance if you don't like it, or get over your over-excitement before the big day.

Dyson Glitter

2008-12-15T11:30:00.000-08:00

Make your Dyson festive by sucking up glitter and small shiny snowflakes etc.

The more adveturous can try sucking up a whole string of fairy lights.

Mr Popular labels

2008-12-05T15:36:00.000-08:00

This invention will gain you much popularity at Christmas. A range of price labels to stick on your presents (then forget to remove) that make them look much more expensive than they were. On the big day you then have to casually claim to have forgotten to removed the label.

Useful phrases are:
"Oops, you didn't see that did you"
"Oh sorry I should have taken that off"
"Oh hang on I've left the price on"
"I can't believe how silly I've been"
"I know, but it's the thought that counts"

Most of the time though the recipient won't say anything and you'll only know for sure when you receive a really expensive present next year - assuming they haven't discovered "Mr popular labels"

Motorway music

2008-11-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

Whilst driving from Newcastle to Gloucester today I noticed that some parts of the M1 have a surface that makes a distictive tyre noise when driven over at speed.

I assume that this is to do with the surface texture, for example the M42 has a very ridged surface in places making a bass note. There's a section of the M1 just north of Shefield that makes a B flat.

Combining all of these types of surface for the right length and duration could actually make music as you drive along the motorway. This may not be as pointless as it sounds, because if you were driving too fast then the tune would sound too fast and you'd slow down.

Different lanes could produce different music and the rhythm section could be added with carefully placed cats eyes. The three lanes of the motorway could be dedicated to different musical genre, e.g. the fast lane could be jazz, the middle classical and the slow lane could be country and western for the truckers.

For the complete musical experience, the matrix gantry signs could be used to display the words to the song your tyres are making. Or if it is a classical tune then just the title.

Different motorways could host different music as well, for example the A30 down to Cornwall could include tunes to keep the kids amused, or other such family classics like "I do like to be beside the sea side" as this is probably where you'll be heading.

This of course means that all motorways will have to be resurfaced with "experimental surfaces", costing millions, this will no doubt mean that Schubert won't be the only composer with an unfinished symphony.

Roundabout dwelling

2008-11-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

Whilst on my travels recently I noticed how nice the land is in the middle of roundabouts. This space must add up to thousands of acres nationally and it would be the perfect place to build houses.

There's one at the bottom of my road with about an acre of lawn planted with shrubs and trees. To illustrate this I have 'cut' my house out of Google maps and pasted it on the roundabout. Just for good measure I added a tennis court and swimming pool. Looks good!

Motorway roundabounts are on average 8.2 acres and could support a whole community.

Eyelid glue

2008-11-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

Experience the thrill in gluing your eyes shut. This specially formulated glue is as strong as superglue 3 yet will wash off when you've finished.

You can also experiment with gluing other parts of your body together. You could even glue yourself to a friend.

Face Fireworks

2008-10-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

These are fireworks that are designed to be let off in your face.

After lighting, simply return to the apparently dead firework and it will exploded harmlessly into your face.

Great fun for all ages.

Bottom mirror

2008-10-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

This is a device that will help the young and old accurately wipe their own bottoms.

The mirror is connected to your wiping arm by way of a flexible thing. At all times you will get a good view of your hole and it's surroundings to facilitate a good wipe.

Skid marks caused by slap-dash wiping will be a thing of the past.

Training bottom

2008-10-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

This is a life size child's bottom that you can teach your children the practical details of wiping their own bottom. With the optional 'pretend' poo they will also discover what their parents have to endure and hopefully learn faster.

If wiped correctly the bottom will play a tune.

Wet-room kitchen

2008-10-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

This is a kitchen that is automatically cleaned completely from top to bottom, think 'walk-in dishwasher'. This will revolutionise the washing up. Simply leave all your dirty dishes lying around, load the soap powder in the hopper, exit the room (this is a vital step) and shut the door (this is also a vital step), then switch on the wet-room kitchen.

The powerful ceiling and wall mounted jets and will clean the whole room and it's contents in a matter of hours. As in a normal dishwasher, drying is done using the heat of the clean.

(Caution must be exercised fitting additional, non-approved, electrical appliances as these could be ruined).

Floss anchor

2008-10-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

An anchor point for one end of your dental floss so that you can floss in the car or whenever else you need to floss one handed.

Picture health warnings...

2008-09-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Following the style of the new picture warnings on cigarette packets. I think these picture warnings should be applied to other products.

For example a packet of crisps should have a big fat spotty person on the front just to remind you how unhealthy it is to eat crisps.

Cans of beer should have a picture of Oliver Reed or George Best on, just in case you wondered what you're going to look like.

Bottles of lemonade should have a picture on of someone going to the toilet, to warn children not to drink too much before going on a long car journey.

The applications for the new style picture warnings are endless. I'll think of some more later. (please add some in the comments if you can think of anything)

Nightwatchman doll

2008-09-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

Most girls' dolls close their eyes when lying down and open them when they are upright. This is to give the impression of being asleep.

The nightwatchman doll does the exact opposite, it's eyes open when it lies down so it can keep a lookout for wrongdoers.

Conjoining cubicle door

2008-09-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

This is a door that joins toilet or swimming pool cubicles together. The door can be used if you, for some strange reason, want to enter through one cubical door then exit from the other. Or maybe make two swimming pool cubicles into a larger one for family changing.

The uses are endless.

Social Hoop

2008-09-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Some unfortunate folk are not blessed with the social skills the rest of us take for granted. They often have difficulty judging the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. In crowds, they may appear confused, upset, or just plain stupid.

Now help is at hand. This descreet hoop provides a circular barrier with which to keep friends, acquaintances and sweethearts at the correct social distance.

Circumference is adjustable for different situations and predicaments. Has opening gap for more intimate encounters.

Petwear

2008-09-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

Keep the memory alive by having your recently deceased pet made into an item of clothing. When wearing the garment you'll always feel close to your beloved pet.

For example a pet mouse or hamster could be made into an attractive broach or earrings. A pair of guinea pigs could be made into a pair of brothel creepers. A large dog could be made into a trendy hoodie, with it's head as the hood. A horse could be made into a bean bag, tent, sleeping bag, or duvet cover.

Middle pocket for womens' trousers

2008-09-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

As there is no need for a zip (or button) fly on trousers for women, for obvious reasons, these trousers should be made to include a pocket in place of the fly - still with the zip in place.

This would be an ideal place to store things more securely like your mobile phone.

CAUTION: Confusion can be caused if this pocket is used to store bulky items, e.g. a German sausage.

Multi taps

2008-09-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

In our house we currently have a tap each for the 2 most commonly used liquids, hot and cold water. So naturally the third tap to be installed will dispense milk- this being the 3rd most commonly use liquid in our house.

It doesn't stop there you can have a tap installed for every other liquid you use, orange juice, beer, cider, gin, bleach, car shampoo etc.

The health and safety executive has warned that the ordering of these taps may be important. We're not sure what he means.

Flip-flop Olympics

2008-09-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

This is another Olympic games, to be held every 4 years, to the same scale as the existing games. All the usual events will be present, swimming, running, football, gymnastics etc. except all competitors have to wear flip-flops.

Bonus points are awarded for the participants that are still wearing the same pair as they started with.

A slightly more controvercial idea, albeit hugely more entertaining, is to do a flip-flop version of the Para-olympics.

Steak Pen

2008-08-31T12:52:00.000-07:00

If you're fed up with the waiter interrupting you, then communicate you steak requirements with this handy pen.

Can be left on the table or worn in the top pocket and rotated as necessary.

Spade fork

2008-08-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

A tad unwieldy but training courses are available

On-line haircut

2008-08-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

All the chores we have to do these days can now be done online, shopping, banking, booking holidays, getting your car taxed etc. etc. One thing that currently can't be done online is hairdressing. So with haircuts costing as much as £9, I know most people will welcome the opportunity to use my new online service - the cyberbarber. This easy to use service requires that you enter your desired hairstyle, hair length, age and sex. The cyberbarber will then design a hairstyle for you based on your requirements which can then be printed onto A4 paper using your printer. This template is then place on your head and used as a cutting guide. Nothing could be simpler.

Check out the prototype http://www.cyberbarber.co.uk/

Cheese Lathe

2008-08-31T12:37:00.000-07:00

Handy for making cheese chair legs. The swarf can be used to make sandwiches for that much deserved snack.

Alcoholic chewing gum

2008-08-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

For those of you who've tried everything to give up drinking.

Complements nicotine chewing gum very well.

Makes you feel completely pissed without the inconvenience of a glass or bottle.

Internal Bodypaint

2008-08-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

Alters the colour of your insides. Available in capsules or drink form.

Here's what some of our users have reported:

"It's made me more confident"
"I'm the talk of the town with my multi-coloured stools"

Fully compatable with tooth die and eyeball varnish.

Horse-drawn waterskiing

2008-08-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

Waterski down your local canal (towpath required).

Multimedia Wheelbarrow

2008-08-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

V8 Vacuum Cleaner

2008-08-31T11:57:00.000-07:00

Almost unbelievable amounts of suction for those really dirty carpets.

1930's portable vacuum cleaner

2008-08-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

Just what every modern housewife needs!
Featuring:
Stirrups for safety, comfort and control
Familiar tiller stearing
Hearth brushes at edges
Poweful 500W motor.

See through washing up gloves

2008-08-31T11:53:00.000-07:00

Tell the time whilst washing up!

Playstation Curling Broom

2008-08-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

Enter the thrill of the winter olympics, open your fridge door for that extra chill.

Fishing Clubs

2008-08-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

Golf clubs that convert into fishing rods. You can tee-off whatever you catch - makes putting the fish back more fun. Also makes hitting your ball in a lake during a round a whole new activity.

Random Alarm Clock

2008-08-31T10:52:00.000-07:00

As the name suggests this is a clock that has an alarm that goes off randomly once a day. The only advantage of this is that people who have nothing to do can start doing things randomly.

drill bit convertor

2008-08-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

Looks like Google have started to think like me. Whilst mucking about with the layout of this blog I found a page full of thousands of things you can add to the page. I was actually looking for a hit counter, quite a useful addition to any web site I think you'll agree. I couldn't find a hit counter, however I did find a drill bit conversion chart!

Genius! This has got to be on a par with some of the most useless things I've ever come up with. Even in my most unlucid state I couldn't have invented something more apt for the "Dragons Dung"!!!

Until I have thought of something more useless the Drill Bit Converter will have pride of place at the bottom of this blog - should you be wondering what wire gauge your 2.4892mm drill bit is.

Taps

2008-08-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

..... with his toilet

2008-08-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

Andre Angleberry has come up with an invention that all housholds should not be without.

The floor level toilet - exactly the same as a convential (UK) toilet, except that the toilet seat is flush with the floor. This is handy for those times when you are already on the floor and can't be bothered to get up.

Introduction

2008-08-25T13:47:00.001-07:00

Entrepreneurs pitch for abuse in the Den from our Dragons, five venture capitalists willing to invest their own mirth in exchange for equity.

This blog is not to be confused with Dragons Den which makes no sense at all to me.

Shoe darkener

2008-08-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

If you've accidently bought brown shoes only to find that they don't go with any of your clothes, you can easily darken them to black with this handy pocket size tin of shoe darkener.

Simply apply with a brush and polish off and your shoes will be black.

(Only available in black)

Wine box belt

2008-07-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

Never be without!

Wheel Clamp Hubcaps

2008-07-02T13:34:00.001-07:00

Parking problems solved!
Park anywhere and the wheel clampers will think you've already been clamped and leave you alone. As used by the royal family.
Thanks to Andre Angleberry and his persistant hard drinking

Weeble Chair

2008-07-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

You'll wobble but you won't fall down!

Urinal washbasin

2008-07-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Looks fantastic in any bathroom or public convenience, as an added bonus peeing in the sink is now not the taboo it used to be.

Urinal soapdish

2008-07-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

Modern design at it's best. Wash and go - at the same time.
Unbelievably hygienic!
"I use it daily", Andre Angleberry

Trouser Tent

2008-07-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Placebo effect spectacles

2008-07-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

These are normal glasses, either for distance, reading or both. The power of the lens in each case is only the power of suggestion. The advantage of this type of lens is that it is extremely cheep. In fact there is no need for a lens at all.

Space Bicycle trousers

2008-07-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

What can I say, genius!

Ski stilts

2008-07-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

Get off the lift at any height - plenty of confidence is a must.

Saussage Pencil

2008-07-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

For the hungry artist!!

Remote control toaster

2008-07-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

You'll wonder how you managed without it!

PC Microwave

2008-07-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

You can cook what ever you want and never have to leave your PC!!! An online gamer's delight
Thanks to Lord Percy for this one

Neck Tie condom

2008-07-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

..for the business man who likes to be prepared!

Golf Tee bandolier

2008-07-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

Can hold up to 5000 tees.

Goat

2008-07-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

Like a mouse, but with off-road abilities.
Also available a selection of off road goat mats.

Left foot tapper

2008-07-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

So often one taps one's right foot to a jaunty rhythm. Alas, the left foot is usually forgotten and remains motionless. A "Left-Foot Tapper" utilises the motion and energy of one's right
foot to force one's left foot into a tapping motion.

NOTE: This is only available as a left foot tapper for right footed people - it has so far proved too impossible to produce a "right foot-tapper".

Foot tenderising mallet

2008-07-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

Perfect for tenderising you foot, can also be used on steaks.

Games colnsole calculator

2008-07-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

A Windows style calculator for you games console.
Supplied on 3 CDs.
This has an intuative menu system that has standard or scientific mode.

Dogsack

2008-07-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

Darts range

2008-07-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

Ready diced bread

2008-07-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

Perfect for croutons